8 Months

I have tears streaming down my face from sitting infront of the Christmas tree tonight and missing Andrew. Today was a hard day, and I'm not sure that tomorrow or the day after will be any better... But just so you know that it is not all tears and sadness...because we know we just couldn't do that to Daniel. We took the time to do Daniel's 8 month pictures this week. Every month continues to be a struggle without having Andrew with him...but it's unfair to Daniel to not make the most of it...and it is Christmas after all... :) Enjoy.

8 month practice shots

Thought you might also enjoy our practice shots...

 

Someone clearly did not enjoy his Santa hat, but was fine playing with shiney little lights. :)

The "True" Meaning of Christmas

Daniel's "True" Meaning of Christmas from Ryan Miyashiro on Vimeo.

How fast they learn... Daniel on the "true" meaning of Christmas! Ok not really, but he was really excited. (I only started filming after 5 minutes or so.) -Rye

life

I don't get it. This thing called life. This is not the way life was supposed to be. And yet it is. This is not the way that Christmas if supposed to feel. And yet it is. There are days like today where I wonder how it will be possible to stop mourning Andrew, stop worrying about my cancer, stop seeing the world in this shade of grey...and then Daniel starts looking at me and laughing, for no reason, and it seems selfish and impossible that I could feel so sad, when I have such happiness and light smiling at me. For most of you who know me, the holidays (like for so many others) are this incredibly special time of year, we put up decorations, listen to christmas music, sing in the car, wearing holiday clothes and earrings months in advance. It's light, happiness and joy. And this year it feels wrong. I cried when I heard the first Christmas song...and then so small and trivial, even wearing my happy Christmas earrings didn't seem right this year...like, how could i be so happy and wear these without Andrew? I wonder every day how Daniel and Andrew would be crawling around and interacting with each other, how different the holidays would be with both of them, how shopping with 2 little boys would have been such a wonderful challenge, and simple things like what would we have dressed them both in for their holiday picture? It's a harder morning as I post this. (not that I post very often) ...and yet as I type these last sentences Daniel looked at me and smile and laughed...and is now making his way in this direction. I am sad, and yet I am so very grateful for what I do have. I know these holidays are not what we had thought...but I pray for the strength to make them as wonderful as possible for Daniel, this year and every year...and even without Andrew, I pray that one day we'll find that happiness, joy and light of the holiday season again.

Daniel's First Christmas Tree

 Daniel's first Christmas tree! =)  (Ryan) always wanted to do this when we were decorating our Christmas trees and now we have one of Daniel's first tree.  The decorating is okay... but (try to) keep an eye on Daniel throughout.  He's a Mover!

Almost crawling!

Being a good mommy = homemade baby food

Nice Sunday morning

Love the weekends

7 months

Just a little late in posting...it's still hard to take these pictures without Andrew. But they were taken right around the 7 month mark.