Goodbye

We see Andrew for the last time today and say goodbye to him tomorrow. I know in my heart that his spirit isn't in the little body we'll see...yet I'm so filled with this overwhelming grief and sorrow it's hard to breathe...I don't want to get out of bed and face this day. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I want to whine and cry and yell and complain...but Andrew wouldn't want us to. And Daniel is sleeping quietly beside me silently trying to mend my heart that feels like it will never be whole.

I can do this. I know I can. One minute at a time. We've gotten thru one week. I will get thru this day.

(sigh) that sounded so much stronger than I feel...but I know it's true.

How is it possible to miss someone so much that you only knew for four months?

Please

Please, please Mom. Please give me the strength I need to get thru this. Losing you was the hardest days of my life... and my heart feels like its broken into a million more pieces. I'm not sure how to do this. I'm not sure where to find the strength. I'm not sure how my heart will ever heal.

Support

Support comes in so many shapes and forms...and if there's any silver lining to being diagnosed with cancer, it's that suddenly you realize that you have people standing behind you, beside you, forging ahead of you and holding your hand and you know you're not alone in this fight.

Saturday was a good day. Support came in the form of Uncle Al and Aunty Pat taking the boys so we could breathe a little. Our intention had been to come home, take a nap (Stacy), clean, do the piles of laundry, dishes, everything that's been stacking up for weeks (Ryan). Instead thanks to Uncle Al's encouragement we went to see a movie, had lunch and followed it up with ice cream. I came home exhausted but felt worlds and worlds more like me. :)

Not only that but came home to this:

A huge box full of formula. Yes extremely exciting for a Mommy of 2 babies. From who? From Cecily's Support Group. A close intimate group of her friends who (i would love to call my friends as well) know about our fight against cancer, know I've given up breast feeding...and who not only understood, but actually did something about it and sent us a great supply of formula that will help immensely with the boys. It's bringing tears to my eyes again just writing about it. Nursing was so hard to give up, and it feels so good to not only be understood, but on top of that to receive such a thoughtful gift. It's completely heart warming. Support comes in so many ways and often unexpected.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Cec's support group who read this blog. Thank you to Uncle Al and Aunty Pat for being there for us and letting us breathe a little this weekend.

3:00 in the Miyashiro Nursery

Thankfully this was a rare night, not a lot of ZZZs for Mommy & Daddy, but it was a rather amusing night, and the boys were certainly having fun.

I tried to just take a video of the sound in the bedroom of them squealing and talking to themselves, but the video of the monitor worked just as well since you can see the boys and measure of sound. (when the lights above go red) Let's hope for a better night tonight. :)

Someone's awake. Someone's not.

3:30 am Saturday morning

Cancer kick butt begins!

 

The medication arrived today, let the fight begin! And what better way to kick off a cancer fight than with a glass of milk and a red velvet cupcake!

Happy 4 Months :)

Nursing beginning to end

I won't lie breast feeding isn't pretty- pumping, leaking, biting, engorgement...but it's come to be something I enjoy and in fact at times adore.

It didn't start that way. Especially with nursing 2. The first several weeks were rough and there were multiple times when I would tell Ryan (with one little baby on each breast), "They are SUCKING the LIFE out of ME!!!" and I wasn't joking. In the beginning I would have to actually play games on my iPhone AS I nursed in order to distract myself and escape for the brief amount of time, and it was hard not to just feel completely trapped. Thankfully this phase passed. Nursing and breast feeding twins is endless, but finally something I can now enjoy. There's something that warms the heart when you're able to soothe your baby or put them to sleep, satisfy them, comfort them, and connect with them...

My goal was to make it to 4 months nursing. I knew pumping would be a struggle once I went back to work but was hoping to be able to hang on to the night and morning feeds for a couple more months. Unfortunately, this is not to be. We've made it to 4 months, but have only 3 short days left of nursing. The drug I'm about to take is absolutely not nursing safe so as of Wednesday the boys will have to be boobie free. I'm not sure who it's going to be harder for them or me.

Many babies experience nipple confusion, and Dr's often strongly recommend not introducing the bottle too early. With 2 babies, this just wasn't possible we needed to supplement with formula and needed Daddy to be able to help feed as well. No problem with the boys till we hit about month 2. All of a sudden they wised up. Only it was opposite to what normal babies experience. Most babies end up preferring the bottle. The milk comes out much faster with minimal sucking and less work. Not our boys. Our boys are boobie boys :) they prefer the breast, resist the bottle, are often stubborn and will only take the bottle enough to take the edge of their hunger, but they know what the want, they want to nurse. :) Which makes me smile. Thankfully they transitioned well while I was in the hospital and took to the bottle (Andrew was a little more resistant), and then when they were visiting with me loved being able to be back on the breast. It was sweet. But it's about to come to an end.

3 more days. Three more days, and I'll enjoy every minute and every little second of nursing until then.

Andrew sleepy and content after his afternoon snack

As a couple side notes -

1) This was absolutely not a complaint. Giving up breastfeeding is a very small price to pay to be able to take a drug that can kick this cancers butt. And so typical as a Mommy I was glad the medicine took a couple of extra days to arrive so I had that extra nursing time with the boys. As a husband, Ryan wanted to know why they couldn't overnight the medicine yesterday. ;)

2) One of our Infectious Disease Docs at the hospital currently has 10 month twins. He said at 6 weeks old his wife was breast feeding both babies (on the same double pillow we had) and she said, "They are draining the life out of me!" and that was the last time she breast fed them. Funny that she used such similar words, and it made me feel so much better that someone felt the same way AND that I was able to make it past that point!

3) I won't lie. One of the last painful points of giving up breast feeding is nursing is FREE. We'll now be total formula babies which means we have to PAY for their food and it's expensive! :) Yes cheap mommy loved that I was providing vitamin enriched food for free. :)

In bed w/my 3 boys = heaven

appreciation

12 days in the hospital has given me a new found appreciation being with my 3 boys. It's like being a new mommy again. Every single second is precious. Every little smile makes your heart melt. Every giggle and laugh makes you want to cry with happiness. I love being home. Love being able to kiss my babies and love just leaning on Ryan as we hold them because we understand how truly fortunate we are.

:) on the door

Going HOME!