8 Months

I have tears streaming down my face from sitting infront of the Christmas tree tonight and missing Andrew. Today was a hard day, and I'm not sure that tomorrow or the day after will be any better... But just so you know that it is not all tears and sadness...because we know we just couldn't do that to Daniel. We took the time to do Daniel's 8 month pictures this week. Every month continues to be a struggle without having Andrew with him...but it's unfair to Daniel to not make the most of it...and it is Christmas after all... :) Enjoy.

8 month practice shots

Thought you might also enjoy our practice shots...

 

Someone clearly did not enjoy his Santa hat, but was fine playing with shiney little lights. :)

The "True" Meaning of Christmas

Daniel's "True" Meaning of Christmas from Ryan Miyashiro on Vimeo.

How fast they learn... Daniel on the "true" meaning of Christmas! Ok not really, but he was really excited. (I only started filming after 5 minutes or so.) -Rye

life

I don't get it. This thing called life. This is not the way life was supposed to be. And yet it is. This is not the way that Christmas if supposed to feel. And yet it is. There are days like today where I wonder how it will be possible to stop mourning Andrew, stop worrying about my cancer, stop seeing the world in this shade of grey...and then Daniel starts looking at me and laughing, for no reason, and it seems selfish and impossible that I could feel so sad, when I have such happiness and light smiling at me. For most of you who know me, the holidays (like for so many others) are this incredibly special time of year, we put up decorations, listen to christmas music, sing in the car, wearing holiday clothes and earrings months in advance. It's light, happiness and joy. And this year it feels wrong. I cried when I heard the first Christmas song...and then so small and trivial, even wearing my happy Christmas earrings didn't seem right this year...like, how could i be so happy and wear these without Andrew? I wonder every day how Daniel and Andrew would be crawling around and interacting with each other, how different the holidays would be with both of them, how shopping with 2 little boys would have been such a wonderful challenge, and simple things like what would we have dressed them both in for their holiday picture? It's a harder morning as I post this. (not that I post very often) ...and yet as I type these last sentences Daniel looked at me and smile and laughed...and is now making his way in this direction. I am sad, and yet I am so very grateful for what I do have. I know these holidays are not what we had thought...but I pray for the strength to make them as wonderful as possible for Daniel, this year and every year...and even without Andrew, I pray that one day we'll find that happiness, joy and light of the holiday season again.

Daniel's First Christmas Tree

 Daniel's first Christmas tree! =)  (Ryan) always wanted to do this when we were decorating our Christmas trees and now we have one of Daniel's first tree.  The decorating is okay... but (try to) keep an eye on Daniel throughout.  He's a Mover!

Almost crawling!

Being a good mommy = homemade baby food

Nice Sunday morning

Love the weekends

7 months

Just a little late in posting...it's still hard to take these pictures without Andrew. But they were taken right around the 7 month mark.

Look who's mobile!

I know it's been a rough past few months for us...BUT... I am thankful for this day. I am thankful that the challenges we have recently faced have made me appreciate every little moment and life all the more. I am thankful for the joy of both my sons and the love & healing that radiates from Daniel. I am thankful for the support and humor of my husband. And I am thankful for you, my family and friends. Happy Thanksgiving.

truthchild shared an Instagram photo with you

Hi there,

truthchild just shared an Instagram photo with you:

view full image

"#instacollage #family #onofood"

Thanks,
The Instagram Team

Daniel's bath time

Daniel loves his Daddy bath time. I constantly try to get his funny videos but as soon as he sees the camera he'll just stare at it. Caught him at the tail end of eating his foot, and Ryan then trying to help him be a little more modest. :)

Morning monster voice

Ummm...why are they making me wear this?

Car protestations

Crepe paper flowers

Color wheel cushions and arbor

Daniel & make up session

Entrance to reception area

Ceremony seating layout for color cushions

Sare's wedding filled apartment

smile for the day

Monday Night Madness

Its 9:45 on Monday night.  Daniel should be sleeping, right?  Ummm... then again, maybe not.  I knew I shouldn't have given him that double shot of espresso!

Saturday Skype with Aunty Cecily

we were so happy...and sometimes i wonder if we ever really realized how happy we were...but i know we did, because you can see it on our tired faces in the first months, and you can see it in our smiles and laughter with the boys in the later months...we were just so happy.

and i know i'm happy now...when i hear Daniel laugh and i see him smile and i squeeze him, i'm happy. but it feels like a sad happy sometimes...even when i'm happy i'm sad...or even when i laugh i think of andrew and all of a sudden my laughter doesn't feel true.

grief is a process. missing Andrew is indefinite. my sadness is resounding. my love for Daniel immense...and it will get me through this.

Oooooh look - I'm sitting!

A new normal

It's been 7 weeks today since we lost Andrew...and my heart still aches as I type those words and my eyes are filling with tears...but the pain is less sharp, and I cry less often...it's this dull aching hole in your heart that seems to be constant...but more bearable then it was before. Of course even admitting that makes me sad because it shouldn't be more bearable, or less painful, not having Andrew in our lives should be intolerable pain every day. But it's not. And he wouldn't want it to be. And he and Daniel are making sure that we continue, and we smile.

So we've found  new normal. I know we struggled emotionally to find what that meant. Logistically and physically was the opposite. Our new normal with just one baby was so different than with two. I almost resented being able to sit and eat dinner with Ryan because I wanted the daily struggle (and joy) of keeping up with 2 babies.

We continue to put one foot in front of the other, and it's not minute by minute or hour by hour anymore, but day by day...Ryan did his little spontaneous 'jig' for the first time a couple day ago. It made me smile to see. It's his little private funny dance that he does when he's feeling good. I hadn't seen it for months and months...and he has his ups and downs...we both do. But it warmed me to see, because it means he's resurfacing. I think we both are. We both still cry. We both still tear up. We both laugh and then sighed, and then wiped away the tears when Daniel squealed and laughed so loud the other night we both instantly thought of and missed Andrew so...

I know we'll miss Andrew incredibly as we take our first plane trip to Seattle....

I know we're moving forward in this new sense of normalcy...with this ache in our hearts...and yet Daniel fills us with so much love that we're still grateful for everyday.

Please, please let our Seattle Dr appointments go well. We're finally standing on our feet again, and  am absolutely praying with everything I have that we get some 'okay' news.

Skyping with Aunty Cecily

Manic

Ryan has said before that he often feels so Manic. And I can understand why. When you think of Andrew you go through such extreme lows filled with grief and this empty hollowness...but at the same time, you're so happy to even have had a moment with him that you can't help but be grateful and at times laugh at the memory of his smile & glee...and then you look at Daniel and he fills you with this warmth and peace and happiness... and his sweet squeals of laughter lightens your heart with joy...only to be followed by tears of sadness because his laughter reminds me of Andrew and that he should be here too and that it doesn't feel right to be so happy without him.

And so tonight as I sat at the computer thinking how much I missed Andrew...and started to get sad. I opened a folder and this is the first picture that came to the screen...and I went straight from sadness to laughter...because when you see those big chubby boys and their cheeks how can you do anything but laugh.

(sigh) but i still miss him so. how is it that we went from so so happy...to such desolate sadness in the blink of an eye?

 

I couldn't leave tonight with that last post. My heart might hurt and at times the pain is unbearable, but it's also full of love for the 2 boys that I do have in my life. And I'm thankful every single day to have them.

We're going to make it.

pleasant normal night...

Ryan is in bed. Daniel is asleep. We just had as close to a pleasant and normal a night as we've had since Andrew passed away...and sitting here as I ate my prescribed spoonfuls of ice-cream, this momentary sense of peace and calm filled me, an...'okay, we're going to be okay' feeling...and then it was immediately replaced by This Sucks. This TOTALLY SUCKS. And as I write it I want to yell it from the rooftops.

Anger phase of grief? Probably.

I don't WANT to have a pleasant and normal night without Andrew. And I shouldn't be happy that for the first time in 5 weeks we've gotten through a night without tears and crying or this huge sense of gaping loss. Though as I write this tears are filling my eyes...so perhaps tonight won't be our night without that feeling of desolation.

God I miss my baby boy.

Without words you taught me strength in the face of adversity, smiles and laughter through your tears, and a sense of love and family that has no bounds. Miss you standing beside me and holding my hand. I hope we're still making you proud. Happy Birthday Mom.

Too much

For the first time tonight everything became too much. Too sad. Too scared. Too hurt. Just too much. And then I leaned over the crib and kissed Daniel and put my cheek against his and I could breathe again. 

I'm worried about Ryan. I'm worried about me. But when I look at Daniel, I know he takes away the edge of our pain and makes this hurt bearable. 

This baby boy has so much on his little shoulders... 
   But I hope all he feels is this immense love that as rye said is almost tangible it's so strong...the same love that's the cause of this hurt and pain is going to be what pulls us through. 

We love you so Andrew & Daniel. 

laughter

 

I love laughter, real laughter, because it seems even more precious these days than usual. Like 1 minute before this moment when Daniel shot pee, spraying himself and the bed in an arc of glee. Eliciting humorous, "Crap crap CRAP!" exclamations from Ryan and making me come running in laughter...especially after seeing Daniel's overjoyed expression, clearly content with both his spray and the loud laughter he got out of Mommy & Daddy.

4 months

Andrew and Daniel made 5 months yesterday...but we never did their 4 month post. We took these at 4 weeks and 6 days...just two days before Andrew passed. They were hard to go through and look at again knowing that 2 days after we'd lose him...but I'm so glad we took them...and it seems unfair to them both to not post them.

We love both our little cute pies so. Happy 5 months Andrew & Daniel. Here's to a wonderful 4 months filled with such love and laughter.

Three weeks

Three weeks ago today Andrew passed away. The thought is unthinkable. The thought is surreal.

I should be able to look over in the living and see his chubby cheeks and kicking feet. I should be able to kiss his sweaty head and laugh at his funny faces.

This hole and pain in my heart is so real it's palpable...but I know...how loved he was...how much joy he brought us...and though this pain takes my breath away...I also know...he was worth every tear. He was worth every tear.

Andrew Insoo Miyashiro, your Daddy, Daniel and I miss you so.

Mixed laughter

I'm listening to the sound of Daniel laughing down the hall, such glee and delight...but for me such mixed feelings of joy and sadness.

I hate that losing Andrew is forever.
I hate that for the first time I want my life to be other than it is.
I hate that I mourn so much what Daniel has lost.
I hate that I'm using the word hate and could make this list longer but know its unhealthy so I'll stop.

I have this desperate love for Daniel that scares me. But thank heavens for him cause he pulls me through.

Goodbye

We see Andrew for the last time today and say goodbye to him tomorrow. I know in my heart that his spirit isn't in the little body we'll see...yet I'm so filled with this overwhelming grief and sorrow it's hard to breathe...I don't want to get out of bed and face this day. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I want to whine and cry and yell and complain...but Andrew wouldn't want us to. And Daniel is sleeping quietly beside me silently trying to mend my heart that feels like it will never be whole.

I can do this. I know I can. One minute at a time. We've gotten thru one week. I will get thru this day.

(sigh) that sounded so much stronger than I feel...but I know it's true.

How is it possible to miss someone so much that you only knew for four months?

Please

Please, please Mom. Please give me the strength I need to get thru this. Losing you was the hardest days of my life... and my heart feels like its broken into a million more pieces. I'm not sure how to do this. I'm not sure where to find the strength. I'm not sure how my heart will ever heal.

Support

Support comes in so many shapes and forms...and if there's any silver lining to being diagnosed with cancer, it's that suddenly you realize that you have people standing behind you, beside you, forging ahead of you and holding your hand and you know you're not alone in this fight.

Saturday was a good day. Support came in the form of Uncle Al and Aunty Pat taking the boys so we could breathe a little. Our intention had been to come home, take a nap (Stacy), clean, do the piles of laundry, dishes, everything that's been stacking up for weeks (Ryan). Instead thanks to Uncle Al's encouragement we went to see a movie, had lunch and followed it up with ice cream. I came home exhausted but felt worlds and worlds more like me. :)

Not only that but came home to this:

A huge box full of formula. Yes extremely exciting for a Mommy of 2 babies. From who? From Cecily's Support Group. A close intimate group of her friends who (i would love to call my friends as well) know about our fight against cancer, know I've given up breast feeding...and who not only understood, but actually did something about it and sent us a great supply of formula that will help immensely with the boys. It's bringing tears to my eyes again just writing about it. Nursing was so hard to give up, and it feels so good to not only be understood, but on top of that to receive such a thoughtful gift. It's completely heart warming. Support comes in so many ways and often unexpected.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Cec's support group who read this blog. Thank you to Uncle Al and Aunty Pat for being there for us and letting us breathe a little this weekend.

3:00 in the Miyashiro Nursery

Thankfully this was a rare night, not a lot of ZZZs for Mommy & Daddy, but it was a rather amusing night, and the boys were certainly having fun.

I tried to just take a video of the sound in the bedroom of them squealing and talking to themselves, but the video of the monitor worked just as well since you can see the boys and measure of sound. (when the lights above go red) Let's hope for a better night tonight. :)

Someone's awake. Someone's not.

3:30 am Saturday morning

Cancer kick butt begins!

 

The medication arrived today, let the fight begin! And what better way to kick off a cancer fight than with a glass of milk and a red velvet cupcake!

Happy 4 Months :)

Nursing beginning to end

I won't lie breast feeding isn't pretty- pumping, leaking, biting, engorgement...but it's come to be something I enjoy and in fact at times adore.

It didn't start that way. Especially with nursing 2. The first several weeks were rough and there were multiple times when I would tell Ryan (with one little baby on each breast), "They are SUCKING the LIFE out of ME!!!" and I wasn't joking. In the beginning I would have to actually play games on my iPhone AS I nursed in order to distract myself and escape for the brief amount of time, and it was hard not to just feel completely trapped. Thankfully this phase passed. Nursing and breast feeding twins is endless, but finally something I can now enjoy. There's something that warms the heart when you're able to soothe your baby or put them to sleep, satisfy them, comfort them, and connect with them...

My goal was to make it to 4 months nursing. I knew pumping would be a struggle once I went back to work but was hoping to be able to hang on to the night and morning feeds for a couple more months. Unfortunately, this is not to be. We've made it to 4 months, but have only 3 short days left of nursing. The drug I'm about to take is absolutely not nursing safe so as of Wednesday the boys will have to be boobie free. I'm not sure who it's going to be harder for them or me.

Many babies experience nipple confusion, and Dr's often strongly recommend not introducing the bottle too early. With 2 babies, this just wasn't possible we needed to supplement with formula and needed Daddy to be able to help feed as well. No problem with the boys till we hit about month 2. All of a sudden they wised up. Only it was opposite to what normal babies experience. Most babies end up preferring the bottle. The milk comes out much faster with minimal sucking and less work. Not our boys. Our boys are boobie boys :) they prefer the breast, resist the bottle, are often stubborn and will only take the bottle enough to take the edge of their hunger, but they know what the want, they want to nurse. :) Which makes me smile. Thankfully they transitioned well while I was in the hospital and took to the bottle (Andrew was a little more resistant), and then when they were visiting with me loved being able to be back on the breast. It was sweet. But it's about to come to an end.

3 more days. Three more days, and I'll enjoy every minute and every little second of nursing until then.

Andrew sleepy and content after his afternoon snack

As a couple side notes -

1) This was absolutely not a complaint. Giving up breastfeeding is a very small price to pay to be able to take a drug that can kick this cancers butt. And so typical as a Mommy I was glad the medicine took a couple of extra days to arrive so I had that extra nursing time with the boys. As a husband, Ryan wanted to know why they couldn't overnight the medicine yesterday. ;)

2) One of our Infectious Disease Docs at the hospital currently has 10 month twins. He said at 6 weeks old his wife was breast feeding both babies (on the same double pillow we had) and she said, "They are draining the life out of me!" and that was the last time she breast fed them. Funny that she used such similar words, and it made me feel so much better that someone felt the same way AND that I was able to make it past that point!

3) I won't lie. One of the last painful points of giving up breast feeding is nursing is FREE. We'll now be total formula babies which means we have to PAY for their food and it's expensive! :) Yes cheap mommy loved that I was providing vitamin enriched food for free. :)

In bed w/my 3 boys = heaven

appreciation

12 days in the hospital has given me a new found appreciation being with my 3 boys. It's like being a new mommy again. Every single second is precious. Every little smile makes your heart melt. Every giggle and laugh makes you want to cry with happiness. I love being home. Love being able to kiss my babies and love just leaning on Ryan as we hold them because we understand how truly fortunate we are.

:) on the door

Going HOME!

New home & update

So unfortunately my new home of the last 9 days has been Queen's hospital. After unexplained fevers I was checked in and have gone through to many tests, cultures and procedures to count. I have been flooded by antibiotics, poke, prodded, and then yes finally literally had the bone marrow scraped out of me.

The rather disappointing news is that I have lymphoma. I subcutaneous lymphoma. (I'm that special 1% of lymphomas that likes to be different). We have a PET scan tomorrow that will show us any other sites or rumors that it may have traveled to. (please please please no) and are anxiously awaiting the bone marrow biopsy results to see if it's in my bones. (again please please please no).

It was a rather tearful night to say the least but we've taken a deep breath and are ready to move forward. We're praying dearly for good test results tomorrow which will determine my chemo and treatment regimen.

Meanwhile the fevers persist (hence me being awake sweating copious amounts at 3:30 am). But will hopefully ease as they have me on prednisone to stop the fevers and raise my white blood cells. (which are too low to release me in public)

The family support and thoughts and prayers from friends has been amazing and so gratefully appreciated. Here's hoping for good test results tomorrow do we can squash this sucker fast. :)

So much better when I'm with my boys

Staying at the hospital sucks. This made it better.

5 days of Fever

Apparently 5 days in a row of having a fever is not a good thing. Looks like a pretty big chance that I'll be checking into Queen's hospital tomorrow morning. :( Let's hope it's for shorter than they want it to be. I miss my babies already. :(

survival mode

I actually opened a book and read in bed last night. I think we're coming out of survival mode. (or is it because Aunty Cecily has been staying with us for 2 nights?) ;)

Not a good tummy time

Learning about Tom & Katie

3 Months

Andrew and Daniel made 3 months last week, and while that means torturing them with our monthly photo shoot it's helped me to stop and breathe for a second and appreciate what 3 months really means.

It means both boys now recognize Ryan and I, and I can tell you there is little else in the world that makes me so completely happy as seeing their face break into a full gummy grin when you bend over their crib in the morning. Actually wait - scratch that - there is one thing that makes my heart even warmer, and that's being able to make your little boys laugh. Hearing their first peels of joyful laughter makes you so astoundingly happy, forget any other accomplishment in my life Master's Degree, awards, forget it, making my little boys laugh and knowing they're responding to you fills me with more joy than I can remember or realize was possible.

3 months means both boys are much more resilient, when they're hungry they don't fall apart, but try to tell you so in various ways (complaining to their stuffed animals, sucking their fingers, then trying to eat their entire hand) before they completely come undone. They are so much more responsive in general, they love to talk (Daniel's cutest most alert time tends to be 6:30 when he cannot stop smiling and cooing at you), hold their heads up and look around.

They tend to reach their milestones and different times (Andrew smiled first, Daniel talked first, Andrew laughed first, Daniel found his hands first) but both have reached their developmental goals either at or ahead of time....EXCEPT for holding their heads up during tummy time which BOTH boys are behind in. Apparently the weight of their cheeks is holding them back (or down).

Sweat glands for both developed this past month so unfortunately our sweet smelling babies are a thing of the past (boy did that not last long)...and now we've got a couple of sweat heads. :)

Both boys are able to sleep farely regularly up to 7 hours at night, Daniel tends to need to feed earlier, or we'd be hitting 8 consistently. The boys have also wised up to the bottle vs. breast and do NOT like to take the bottle when Mommy is around. :) Sweet, but also just a little difficult and frustrating when Daddy is trying to give a bottle which they're refusing to take (even if I'm not there!)

Couple big changes coming soon. Daycare starts in a week or 2, which initially (I won't lie) I was looking forward to with a sigh of relief, and now I look at and sigh with sadness. It'll be hard to have someone else take care of our sweet little boys. I also can't see how we'll be able to let them sleep much longer together as Andrew is such a squirmer in his sleep. He loves moving closer to Daniel, but is getting to the point where their legs are intertwined or he's in Daniel's side or smashed against him. :)

All in all, we've gotten more used to the limited sleep, loving life, loving our little boys and trying to enjoy all these precious moments as they're growing so very fast.

ballgame

lashy sweat-head

Just realized the other pictures of Andrew were actually taken awhile ago. Here's a more current look at his unproportional girly lashes (i swear at one point they were growing by the day) and his sweat head. hee hee...umm...not to mention growing cheeks!

Daniel's Smile

Meant to post this couple weeks ago when Daniel first really started to smile. Hard to mind waking up at the break of dawn when you wake up to this.

Andrew's Eyelashes

Our little boy has sweet little girl lashes

Ummm....and he's also kind of a stinky sweat head. :) (that's just so you don't think we're too vain) ;)