A new normal

It's been 7 weeks today since we lost Andrew...and my heart still aches as I type those words and my eyes are filling with tears...but the pain is less sharp, and I cry less often...it's this dull aching hole in your heart that seems to be constant...but more bearable then it was before. Of course even admitting that makes me sad because it shouldn't be more bearable, or less painful, not having Andrew in our lives should be intolerable pain every day. But it's not. And he wouldn't want it to be. And he and Daniel are making sure that we continue, and we smile.

So we've found  new normal. I know we struggled emotionally to find what that meant. Logistically and physically was the opposite. Our new normal with just one baby was so different than with two. I almost resented being able to sit and eat dinner with Ryan because I wanted the daily struggle (and joy) of keeping up with 2 babies.

We continue to put one foot in front of the other, and it's not minute by minute or hour by hour anymore, but day by day...Ryan did his little spontaneous 'jig' for the first time a couple day ago. It made me smile to see. It's his little private funny dance that he does when he's feeling good. I hadn't seen it for months and months...and he has his ups and downs...we both do. But it warmed me to see, because it means he's resurfacing. I think we both are. We both still cry. We both still tear up. We both laugh and then sighed, and then wiped away the tears when Daniel squealed and laughed so loud the other night we both instantly thought of and missed Andrew so...

I know we'll miss Andrew incredibly as we take our first plane trip to Seattle....

I know we're moving forward in this new sense of normalcy...with this ache in our hearts...and yet Daniel fills us with so much love that we're still grateful for everyday.

Please, please let our Seattle Dr appointments go well. We're finally standing on our feet again, and  am absolutely praying with everything I have that we get some 'okay' news.