we were so happy...and sometimes i wonder if we ever really realized how happy we were...but i know we did, because you can see it on our tired faces in the first months, and you can see it in our smiles and laughter with the boys in the later months...we were just so happy.

and i know i'm happy now...when i hear Daniel laugh and i see him smile and i squeeze him, i'm happy. but it feels like a sad happy sometimes...even when i'm happy i'm sad...or even when i laugh i think of andrew and all of a sudden my laughter doesn't feel true.

grief is a process. missing Andrew is indefinite. my sadness is resounding. my love for Daniel immense...and it will get me through this.