pleasant normal night...

Ryan is in bed. Daniel is asleep. We just had as close to a pleasant and normal a night as we've had since Andrew passed away...and sitting here as I ate my prescribed spoonfuls of ice-cream, this momentary sense of peace and calm filled me, an...'okay, we're going to be okay' feeling...and then it was immediately replaced by This Sucks. This TOTALLY SUCKS. And as I write it I want to yell it from the rooftops.

Anger phase of grief? Probably.

I don't WANT to have a pleasant and normal night without Andrew. And I shouldn't be happy that for the first time in 5 weeks we've gotten through a night without tears and crying or this huge sense of gaping loss. Though as I write this tears are filling my eyes...so perhaps tonight won't be our night without that feeling of desolation.

God I miss my baby boy.

Without words you taught me strength in the face of adversity, smiles and laughter through your tears, and a sense of love and family that has no bounds. Miss you standing beside me and holding my hand. I hope we're still making you proud. Happy Birthday Mom.

Too much

For the first time tonight everything became too much. Too sad. Too scared. Too hurt. Just too much. And then I leaned over the crib and kissed Daniel and put my cheek against his and I could breathe again. 

I'm worried about Ryan. I'm worried about me. But when I look at Daniel, I know he takes away the edge of our pain and makes this hurt bearable. 

This baby boy has so much on his little shoulders... 
   But I hope all he feels is this immense love that as rye said is almost tangible it's so strong...the same love that's the cause of this hurt and pain is going to be what pulls us through. 

We love you so Andrew & Daniel. 

laughter

 

I love laughter, real laughter, because it seems even more precious these days than usual. Like 1 minute before this moment when Daniel shot pee, spraying himself and the bed in an arc of glee. Eliciting humorous, "Crap crap CRAP!" exclamations from Ryan and making me come running in laughter...especially after seeing Daniel's overjoyed expression, clearly content with both his spray and the loud laughter he got out of Mommy & Daddy.

4 months

Andrew and Daniel made 5 months yesterday...but we never did their 4 month post. We took these at 4 weeks and 6 days...just two days before Andrew passed. They were hard to go through and look at again knowing that 2 days after we'd lose him...but I'm so glad we took them...and it seems unfair to them both to not post them.

We love both our little cute pies so. Happy 5 months Andrew & Daniel. Here's to a wonderful 4 months filled with such love and laughter.

Three weeks

Three weeks ago today Andrew passed away. The thought is unthinkable. The thought is surreal.

I should be able to look over in the living and see his chubby cheeks and kicking feet. I should be able to kiss his sweaty head and laugh at his funny faces.

This hole and pain in my heart is so real it's palpable...but I know...how loved he was...how much joy he brought us...and though this pain takes my breath away...I also know...he was worth every tear. He was worth every tear.

Andrew Insoo Miyashiro, your Daddy, Daniel and I miss you so.

Mixed laughter

I'm listening to the sound of Daniel laughing down the hall, such glee and delight...but for me such mixed feelings of joy and sadness.

I hate that losing Andrew is forever.
I hate that for the first time I want my life to be other than it is.
I hate that I mourn so much what Daniel has lost.
I hate that I'm using the word hate and could make this list longer but know its unhealthy so I'll stop.

I have this desperate love for Daniel that scares me. But thank heavens for him cause he pulls me through.